


Captain Jack's Adventures Through Time

by avelociraptor



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-13
Updated: 2013-03-22
Packaged: 2017-12-05 05:26:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/719379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avelociraptor/pseuds/avelociraptor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When John and Gray bury Jack in the ground for 2000 years, did you think he was just going to lay there? Of course not. He gets around during those years when he's buried, and meets a few historical figures too, including but limited to: Napoleon, Jesus, and Louis XIV. Title will probably change. It's two thousand years of Jack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Short Man and a Murderous Chihuahua

**Author's Note:**

> Jack Harkness and the Weeping Angels are both property of the BBC. Napolean did find mummies and have a wife named Josephine, but the events in this story are not historically accurate.

Once upon a time there was a short man named Napoleon who had a Chihuahua. The Chihuahua liked to drink chocolate milk with breakfast, but one day they ran out of chocolate milk, so the Chihuahua went on a murderous rampage. He killed every single cow in the world except for one lone chocolate milk cow, which he tried to clone. He failed, killed the cow, and continued on his killing spree. Napoleon caught him before he killed everyone, and the Chihuahua tried to eat his nose. He locked the Chihuahua in the dungeons so it could no longer kill. While he was in the dungeons, an angel statue blinked once and scratched its nose. The statue clasped something tightly in its stone hand. Something important it had been instructed to guard. From the shadows, another statue emerged, which seemed small and weak, but that was only until it shattered the other statue without a thought. Napoleon's half-finished will fell to the floor. Napoleon's wife, Josephine, stepped out of the shadows and patted the angel affectionately on its head. Her pet had done its job, but it wasn't done yet. Pushing Josephine aside, the tiny angel touched the tiny man and sent him back.

He found himself wandering a desert, and the first person he met introduced himself as Jesus. Napoleon knew a bit about Jesus, and he didn't like him. Jesus was too kind, too pure, too happy. That was going to have to change. He said with a smile, "Hello, Jesus. Come on then, we're going to find ourselves some mummies. I've heard they're plentiful in these parts."

Jesus followed wordlessly, deciding he rather liked this Napoleon fellow. They found a good-looking spot by a hill and started to dig. After a few hours, they had dug a reasonably-sized hole, and Napoleon felt something soft and fleshy beneath the earth. He pulled it out and leapt back in disgust when he saw what it was. A hand. After he overcame his shock, he went back to work. After all, this was what he came there for. He pulled on the hand and found it was still attached to a body. After half an hour, they had uncovered the entire lower half of the body. Napoleon frowned, wondering why it wasn't decaying.

Suddenly, it moved. Both of the hands shot up to Napoleon's throat. They squeezed and twisted, killing Napoleon. Jesus was afraid, so he stabbed where the mysterious body's heart would be, reburied the body, and ran back to Nazareth.


	2. Captain Jack

Louis XIV was in the desert, digging for gold to add to his collection.

"Um... sir!" one of his men called.

They had found something! He hurries over to the servants, eager to see how much gold they had discovered, but when he got there it was not treasure lying in the sand. A man lay there wearing strange fabrics. As the king watched, the man slowly opened his eyes. "Hello. Captain Jack Harkness, and who are you beautiful?"

The Frenchman looked at him in confusion. That sounded like English, and he didn't speak English.

"Oh, sorry," said the man and then switched to French. "Je m'appelle Jack."

"Hello, Jack," the king said in French. "I am Louis XIV, your great kind. Bow before me, as I am lord of all."

"Apologies, my good king," Jack said as he knelt. "I am unaccustomed to the culture of this land. I say you do look stunning to day. And what is that fragrance I smell?"

"Peacock meat," Louis growled. He was growing tired of this man's endless talking. However, he did find Jack strangely attractive, so he did what he did to anything he found loud and pretty: he killed it.

Jack fell to the ground, blood pouring from a slit in his neck. His last thought before the infinite blackness overtook him was: Well that life lasted a while.

After loading the body onto a dark cart, the king and his company went home to Versailles, where his suitors got to work immediately. "I want him encased in stone. Don't put too many clothes on this one; he's pretty."

It only took about an hour, after which Jack was displayed in the hall with the angel statues. He couldn't move; the stone was still drying around him, and every few minutes he died, drowning in thick clay. Around midnight, he heard giggles behind him, followed by the tap of stone on stone. Wings brushed his back just before a voice whispered in his ear. "Close your eyes."

"I can't," Jack mumbled through the stone over his lips. "They're sculpted open."

"Oh, well try again tomorrow. The first night is always the hardest."

It took him all night just to force his eyelids closed then open again. He was surrounded by stone angels, all covering their eyes with their hands. As he practiced blinking, he felt tiny hands on his head and back. Awed whispers sounded from around him, and every time he blinked, the statues moved. They appeared to be studying him, and this observation continued until one of the small ones got enough courage to approach him. It stood before him, frozen in time as he gazed at it. Nervously, he closed his eyes so it could move. Its hands closed around his leg and a small, excited voice spoke up to him. "Hi. I'm Bob. What' your name?"

"Jack," he replied with his eyes still shut. "What happened to me?"

"You're in the Sanctuary. This is where all the lonely angels go. Welcome to our home."

"Are you all children?" he asked.

"We are orphans," one of them replied. "But we're not alone. Meet our mother."

Footsteps echoed through the hall as the mother strode forward. "Hello, Jack. How do you do?"

"If you are orphans, how do you have a mother?"

"It's just what they call me," their mother replied. Jack paused. He knew that voice. It sounded, which was weird because he's never heard her, but it sounded…like the Statue of Liberty. Which didn't make any sense since the Statue of Liberty couldn't talk. But Jack had learned not to question those kinds of things. Who was he to disbelieve the Statue of Liberty when he was talking to a bunch of rocks?

"Why do you sound like the Statue of Liberty?" he wondered out loud. His only answer was an eruption of giggles from the statues.

"Tell us a story!" one of them spoke up. "You're new so you must have a lot of good stories."

"Yes. Story! Story!" All the children rustled around him, eagerly chanting for their story.

"Okay," Jack began. "I'm going to tell you about someone very special. Do you know what monsters are afraid of?"

"They're not afraid of anything!"

"That is where you're wrong. There is a being out there, a man, sort of, a lonely god. He protects the weak and punishes the corrupt, and monsters run when they see him. He is the last of his species, the loneliest creature in the universe, very old and very tired. I ran with him, and it was fantastic. We went on so many adventures and it was the best time of my life, but no one can run forever. We were fighting a hoard of terrible, metal-armored aliens, and I died. A being called the Bad Wolf brought me back. I've seen the Doctor a few times since then, but not enough to satisfy…"

Jack looked up. The twittering angels had gone silent at mention of the Doctor's name.

"Are you talking about the Doctor?" The angels looked up at him, terrified, waiting for his answer as if their lives depended on it.

Jack was confused by why anyone would be afraid of the Doctor, but he answered nonetheless. "Yes. He's my friend. What's wrong?"

The angel that had spoken burst out sobbing. "The Doctor is a monster! He killed everyone I ever knew. We were in New York and we were so hungry just trying to get by on people who wandered into our hotel. All we wanted was a little food, but the Doctor had to kill them all! If you are a friend of his and he is so wonderful, tell me why he would do such a horrible thing! Why…"

"Well—well you see," Jack stammered, unsure of how to respond. "To people, you're the monsters."

"We don't kill, most of us. Not usually. We choose not to; we are merciful. We even sent the Doctor's friend back to the same time. We do what we must to survive and we do it as kindly as possible."

"I guess that's true." He was feeling bad for the little angels. They were only children. Time to change the subject. "Who wants to show me around the palace?"

"I do!" The children ran around him, excited once again. Jack followed them as they fluttered and tumbled around him, trying to show him everything at once.

Several weeks passed. Every day, Jack told the children another story of his adventures, and the children showed him another part of the kingdom. This was their life until one day someone saw them.

Jack was running through the halls with the angels, careful not to look at them as always—he's gotten more adept at relying on hearing rather than sight—when suddenly he found that he could not move. He heard frightened whispers to his right but couldn't move his eyes or turn his head to look. His mind began to slip away and he had to fight to remain conscious. Every few minutes he could move again, but only for a second before he froze. Humans were screaming all around him, and he heard the first blow of the hammer whistling through the air before he saw it. He smashed, and when he revived, he saw chaos. All around him angels were being destroyed by the blows of human tools, and they weren't coming back to life. He couldn't have been alive for more than a minute before a stray ax flew into his head and killed him.

It wasn't long before Jack felt the familiar sensation of every atom in his head being forced back together. He blinked, opening his eyes and finding that he was still made of stone. He looked around to see the remains of his friends scattered across the ground, broken and lifeless. He wandered amongst the rubble, saying a silent goodbye to the children who had welcomed him into their home. When he was done, he left in disgust. He wanted to end every last human in the universe but he refused to be like them. And so he left, prepared to search the Earth for something he didn't hate for the next several hundred years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely sure how Jack became an angel, but it's a crack fic so just go with it. We might explain it later if we can come up with something idk.


End file.
